Confession

So I have been debating on whether I should even mention this, I begin to write it and I delete it when I'm finished, just like I picked up the phone to call my Dr. and hung up about 4 times before I finally went through with it.

Postpartum depression or anxiety, I think through blogs such as Heir to Blair and my good friend Laura over at The Big cursive L we are starting to learn that there are many women who experience some form or another of PPD/Anxiety. Luckily for many of us that leaves us not feeling so alone, not so disfunctional, or not so much a failure as a mother because they were brave enough to speak out. Giving us a place to turn for confidence that we will be ok and confidence in telling our own story.

I did not get diagnosed with PPD from my Dr. but I did however express my problems with anxiety that I have been having lately. I did jump on her offer to put me on something to help even out my hormone levels so things aren't so overwhelming and I can live my life without jumping out of my skin.

It's natural to have the baby blues (I had loooots of them especially with all of my complications) but when those started to get better I thought I was in the clear, I no longer looked at a pregnant women and cringed, I smiled instead. I no longer thought of my infection, my unplanned csection, or my 24 hour labor but I thought of my beautiful baby instead. I finally was released from Home Health and thought I am supermom I can do this now.

Well for the past couple months after returning to work especially I have been overwhelmed with anxiety, I snap at my husband (oh my poor husband), I throw my dogs outside for hours at a time because I can't stand them, I try and clean my house furiously because I feel like it's so dirty and I can never catch up with it, I almost walk out of church because the kids in the back won't shut up and are screaming, I had to switch tables at a restaurant. I want to jump out of my skin, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, or cry because I am overwhelmed!!!

I was overwhelmed with trying to give the best me possible to Lydia after working all day, giving the best me possible to my husband after Lydia went to bed, trying to give the best me to my friends who don't understand what it is like to spend a night away from your daughter, or be the best daughter, sister, friend, wife, coworker, mom period.

OVERWHELMED which leads to major anxiety...

I am now taking something to try and help make all of this a little more tolerable. Do I have the diagnosis? No, but do I experience what a lot of moms are experiencing now and keeping bottled up inside only to make problems worse? Yes.

My Doctor told me that when she used to feel overhwhelmed after having her kids and trying to juggle everything she would make a list of all the Pro's in her life, the blessings, the good things to help her realize how all she needed to focus on was doing the best that she could, the people who matter would understand if she wasn't everything to everybody but did the best she could.

So here is part of my list:

A beautiful, healthy, baby girl

A husband who loves me and is supportive

A growing relationship with a merciful God

A family that lives close

A roof over my head

A job that gives me the means to support my family (even if I don't love it every day)

A Dr. that understood the tears of an overwhelmed mom who needed something to help her get through the day


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