9 Months Home

Wow, this got a way from me real quick!

Our Theo has been home almost 9 months now...so hard to believe, yet at the same time I was telling Matt just last night that China felt like a lifetime ago. I feel like my life will always be before China and after China. We have had our moments of struggle and frustration and unknowns. Lots of time spent wondering when this will feel normal and if I'm honest it still doesn't feel normal most days but we are getting there in our own time. God is doing a mighty work in my heart, this process has revealed my weaknesses and my strengths unlike any other experience in my lifetime. I feel like God is totally refining me in this time making me more compassionate, more sympathetic, more open minded and definitely revealing my selfish tendencies and telling me to leave them at the door...please and thank you.

The kiddos have adjusted in their own ways as well, some struggling more than others, time spent with school social workers (hey hey it's ok to admit and ask for help, sometimes they just need to hear something coming from a mouth other than mom or dad's) The "frienemies" also known as Colbie and Theo will forever and always have each others back...what a bond that I did not anticipate when we started this journey. Garrett is already asking for more kids and holy moly brother slow your roll, mommy is not there yet... maybe ever. I will say I believe our journey in orphan care and prevention is not over...we are taking our time adjusting to this new life but we are not done yet (now kids that will carry our last name, pretty sure that is behind us).

Theo is LOVING school and we have had our bumps in how he treats his classmates and follows instruction, the language barrier causes most of this but he recently got a note from school saying he was caught being kind and sharing...I might have cried tears of joy over that little note. I will say he is the most joyful kid and wants to be everyone's friend, I can't wait to watch how this kid makes friends once he is more on their level with the language. I think he might be that boy that everyone knows, all the parents all the kids even if they aren't the best of friends they will know...Theo Heinekamp.

We found a tube in his ear over fall break, as in the little green tubes they put in little kids ears who have lots of fluid and infection issues...we didn't know he had them, they were not in his file. So off to the ENT we went and we have tube surgery on Thursday morning. We are hopeful this will help his hearing issues and in turn his speech and behavior. However, the Dr. said there is always a chance that this has been done too many times and it might not work...but for now we are hopeful!

He is now over 30 lbs (he weighed 23.5 when we picked him up in China) he still wears 3T clothes and is a little peanut but he is growing daily and we are so thankful to watch him learn what he likes and doesn't like and for him to actually leave food at the table (anyone who has a child from trauma knows food is a HUGE trigger to overcome)

I will say one of the biggest joys in this whole last year has been watching my husband since we have been  home... he simply put ADORES this kid, he loves Theo unconditionally and is one of his biggest cheerleaders. God put these two together for a reason!

I am so looking forward to this holiday season with all 4 kiddos under our roof, our whole family home and to see it all through Theo's eyes will be a blessing I hope I don't take for granted this season.

3 Months Home

Better late than never...as with all children after your first getting any sort of update up always happens a week or so after the fact I feel like (Don't even mention the poor state of any type of baby book for any of the kids, sooo bad at that ... anyone else?!?!) 

May 23, 2017 marked 3 months home with Theo! We are learning more and more about our boy as the days go by. We are learning what makes him happy, what makes him sad, what makes him laugh, what makes him grumpy. This 3rd month has marked a lot of firsts with our guy and we are just happy to have the opportunity to celebrate those firsts with him as his family. 

Theo loves: Moana (he sings and does the dances like Maui), he loves mornings and breakfast time - a few days a week I try to carve out enough time so I can sit with him while he eats his oatmeal or waffles and I drink a small cup of coffee before I head to work, he loves bath time, he loves saying prayers because he has a good AMEN down, he loves playing outside and riding his tricycle and our red little tikes car and he loves a good fist bump to explode!

Firsts:  First time away from home with us as a family - we traveled to Virginia to visit my grandma for her 90th birthday and we all stayed in her old house in her itty bitty town for 3 nights and he really did great. I'm so happy for him to experience having a HOME to come back to after some time away. First time swimming that I can tell because although he loves water he was not a fan at first of what it feels like to not have a ground beneath your feet...we are getting better though at trusting mommy and our floaties so we can kick and swim. First time having a sitter that was not family, we have a great neighbor girl who is watching them 3 days a week while I work so we can give my aunt some time off for the summer, they all love her. We also registered him for school next year...his first school will be a 3 day preschool that meets for a couple hours in the morning, it's the same teacher G had last year and he has met her and has been through car line, music program and teddy bear parade over there with G's class so I feel good about what that means for Theo and his start in the classroom!

Thankful for each day that marks another day with us as we keep working on building trust and love for our boy...it does not always come natural but we are getting there and at the end of the day I get to tuck him in and know he is safe, loved, has a full belly and a bright future!

How can you help

So you know people who are adopting, you don't know how to help them. It's not a physical limitation of growing a baby in your womb and wrangling your other kiddos -- so offering to run a vacuum or help with laundry or run to the grocery store doesn't seem as appropriate. Well let me tell you what I have found has touched my heart and made such a difference.


1) PRAY - write them a note, send them a text let them know you are thinking about them and that you are praying for them. Prayers are coveted knowing that someone is thinking of you means so much, it can be a lonely journey we need people loving us through it.

2) Financial contribution- I  know this can be a sticky topic and one that people don't know how to handle because are you helping buy a baby?!?! Well let me put that though to ease.. NO you are not helping to buy a baby. You are helping to pay the fees of the people that are doing the translating, the delivering or paperwork, the check and double checking of all paperwork, the people who do all the interviews and are licensed by our government and the other government entities involved to deem you fit to parent an orphan child. Sometimes these fee's can slam into you one after the other and you feel like you can't breath, other times you have a chance to save and stock pile for the next big check but either way a financial contribution whether to an online crowd sourcing or grant matching website in the families name or sticking a $20 in the mail with a note is enough to bring us mamas to our knees with gratitude.

3) Once they are home
       - Give them space but don't fall off the face of the earth. It is so overwhelming coming home (if international adoption) being jet lagged, loving on the kiddos you left behind who are now so confused because holy crap there is a new toddler to share my toys with who doesn't understand me and holy cow.
      - Text text text - let them know you are around the corner. Let them know you dropped a starbucks at their doorstep go get it before it gets cold.
      - FOOD - the witching hour is awful and the kids are going bananas and you feel like you are dying from jet lag and the though of making dinner makes you want to crawl into the fetal position and cry. Meals being delivered is such a blessing. Also, if the mom needs to unload some tears be prepared to hold a hand or give a hug and lend a shoulder (I mean I would have no idea what that is like....)

4) Don't assume they can get out of the house like normal because they brought home an older child and they aren't healing from birthing of a baby -- for most of us we will not be leaving our child for months or longer for any extended period of time and especially not bedtime or sensitive times like that, they need to know we are their mommy and daddy and not going anywhere. BUT still invite them, we appreciate being invited, even if we have to send a tearful response of no not this time.



Those are just a few things that come to mind. Love lots of Love and sooo much grace as we navigate this time with our child. Some days we are on top of the world and other days we are in the trenches of the war zone. Our community and our people will keep our head above water, let us know we aren't forgotten that we matter and what we do matters.

Easter - He Is Risen

This Easter as all Easters really are for me these days was beautiful and chaotic and overwhelming in all the ways. This year having Theo home for his first holiday and the fact that it was Easter, that he was attending Easter Sunday mass for the first time, hearing the good news of Jesus resurrection (even if he couldn't understand it). To see his face light up when the music started and to hear him sing along and he does know a good "Amen" felt so good. I am emotional as always these days and I might have had tears in my eyes during the whole opening song, just in total awe that I get to do this. Yes, there are so many hard moments every day and we are experiencing new hard moments as I've gone back to work full time and navigating sports season starting up for the 2 older kids. BUT in the end our YES means a lifetime of healing his old hurts and making him know he is loved and that this family is his forever. Thankful for a beautiful day and that I get to call these beautiful little people mine.

We of course celebrated our spunky sour patch kid on Easter as it was her 2nd Birthday?!?!?! Colbie is a sweet gift, one we had while we thought we were waiting for the Ethiopia program...my how our plans change and my how I have no idea what is good for me in this life. Thankful that I don't write my own story. Happy birthday you crazy chick...I call her my sour patch kid because she can flip her switch in no time from my sweetest little blonde hair baby girl to a sassy/temper tantrum throwing toddler! She keeps me on my toes this one! She adores Trolls, Babies, Suckers, ketchup, the book Brown Bear and her family (if someone is missing she always asks me where they are).

HOPE

There have been two moments in the last few weeks that have given me such HOPE...where I look at my tribe and our new little guy and I think this right here is why we did this...this right here is what I've dreamed of for the years it took to complete our adoption journey to Theo.

The first moment, was our first trip to church as a family of 6! To have all my little ducklings lined up in the pew between us made my heart burst at the seams...made me sing a little louder, praise our God in Thanksgiving for the blessing of these little people!

The second moment came this week at the doctor office with Theo. I was sooooo incredibly proud of our BRAVE boy...I felt as proud of him as I did for my other 3 when they conquer something that has given them so much fear or anxiety. He felt like mine, he felt like my flesh and blood and to a mom who has struggled to feel like the mom, not the babysitter it was a welcome feeling. He walked back holding my hand when they called his name, he stood on the scale, he walked over to the height measurer thing (technical term), he let Dr. Yoder take his shoes and socks off (caused crazy anxiety and tears last time), he showed her his belly and held his shirt up for her to check his chest and let her listen to his heart. He ended up getting two shots and he screamed and cried it took 3 of us to hold him down but by the time we got shoes back on and walked to the front to check out, he had his sucker and the tears were gone! My BRAVE BOY!!!

These glimpses and feelings that leave us feeling like we are marching forward in a future so bright as a family of 6 gives me HOPE!! We do take plenty of steps back and have seen some regression from mommy easing back into work, but we are preparing for those and have had to say no to a few fun things recently that we would love to do as a couple...but we are holding onto HOPE that these things are building his trust in us as his parents...establishing a foundation that will be strong enough to stand the test of time.

P.S. he calls me mommy now and well I just can't get over that....a boy from around the world, born 3 1/2 years before I would ever meet him, born to another woman and left to be found, calls me mommy...Thank you Jesus for this honor.

How Is It "Really" Going??

A lot of people comment on our Facebook/Instagram posts...oh he looks so happy. They meet him and he wants to hug them and latch on to them like a monkey...oh he's so loving and cuddly. 

Well let me tell you something, Yes he is happy, Yes he is snuggly...BUT you guys there is so much going on underneath all that because this boy has been through some trauma that honestly is not all ours to share some of it I don't even know the extent of. That happy smile on his face comes on like a trigger when I say look at mommy with the camera (it is planned, he knows how to do that, he puts on a show) He wants you to pick him up and snuggle you...he doesn't know you, that's not normal, he is trying to find attention wherever he can get it.

Underneath all that is a boy who is straight up defiant on most days, he understands when I tell him not to do something (let's say "get out of the dogs face or stop kicking the dog or stop feeding the dog") he will look at me shake his head yes that he understands (we also use the help of google translate at times) and I will turn my back and find him doing it again, this can go on forever but 3 times is my limit and most days he meets that 3 time limit and is stuck in "time in" with me wearing a pouty face and not looking me in the eye. 

He talks and talks at bedtime, last night he was yelling to the point I could hear him downstairs, no matter how many times I tell him people are sleeping and he needs to be quiet. One day his brother is gonna walk down from the top bunk and sock him in the mouth. He yells/cries out in the night while asleep, we can't wake him up and get him out of it...he is stuck in some night terror that sounds awful and I can't help him. So we put a roll bar on the bed because he will roll himself right out of it thrashing around and I say a prayer when I go to bed that maybe tonight they won't be as bad. I roll lavender on his feet (you oily people have me hopeful) but so far it just makes their room smell really good still in the morning when I go in to get him up. 

Let me also say and this is where I felt really really bad at first but almost every adoptive mom I have talked with really talked with and asked how they did it has said they feel something similar so I'm saying it right now, in case you are wondering if you can do this too or if you are an adoptive mom who feels like they must be doing this wrong....you are NOT doing this wrong! For these first few weeks it has felt like we had the annoying neighbor kid over to play and he's never going home. If I'm honest, that is how it feels. He is hyperactive EVERY minute of the day it feels like, the other kids do not like him half the time because he is so loud and so wild that he climbs on them, he hits them with toys, he steals their toys, my kids aren't that wild minus the "witching hour" that hour before and after dinner. It is an adjustment, everything I read says Hyperactivity is a coping mechanism in some kids, that being loud is the same. All the toys are new, I'm waiting for them to lose their appeal. We do lots of "time in" where he comes to sit with me while I fold laundry or cook or whatever I'm doing. He doesn't get left alone he just has to sit with me until he calms down and we can try again.

We've hit almost 7 weeks with us, over a month now at home...we have school next year on the horizon we have summer time and a slow summer at that with no extended vacations planned. We have FOREVER to work all this out, for him to start feeling more comfortable, for him to reach the point that he is with us longer than he was with any of his old caregivers and maybe then he will believe that he is not going anywhere and begin to heal. There is a lot of healing that needs to happen, and for now I try to bond and attach while creating boundaries and teaching him how we treat people in this house...it's a fine line y'all. It's one that I miss most days, I fail and get mad at myself and him but God has already seen this whole journey worked out, he knows how this all pans out, he has a plan for my life and most importantly for Theo's life as our son and brother. We are here to stay, he will learn that eventually and until then we let God do the work and I just muddle my way through every day. 

Now What?

So now that we are home with Theo....what is next? Well we are trying to keep our heads above water, this is so foreign to us bringing in a kid that is already a toddler, already has likes/dislikes/feelings and not to mention the trauma and baggage that comes with the life he started out with.

We are doing our best to bond with him...let me also say this goes both ways. A lot of our training focused on how to get him to bond with us but it doesn't touch so much on how I should bond with him, I have had 3 children by giving birth to them. I carried them for 10 months it's impossible for me on all levels to not love them with my whole being. Theo on the other hand, he is just as much a part of our family now but not on that chemical/physical level that the others are. It's HARD to be quite frank about it. There are times I feel like a referee or a babysitter. There are times I have to make myself just pick him up and hold him because that is when I feel most like his mom. I brush his teeth although he can do it on his own, I help him get dressed even though he can do most of it on his own (and he will when we are rushed to get out the door), I wash his hair, do lotion before bedtime, hold his hand while saying prayer and kiss his cheeks before he goes to sleep...all the things that I have done with my kiddos since they were born. I am doing it with him too, he missed out on some of that although he was in and out of many homes who probably held and rocked him. This mama did not get to do that. So we start over.

He knows no strangers at this point and that is something we are working on so please do not be offended if you are not immediate family and we ask you not to pick him up. We are learning that mommy is here to hold you if you need it and is the main caregiver/comforter/protector. He will give you high fives and fist bumps and that is GREAT!!

So what we know of Theo so far is that he might possibly be the happiest kid I've ever met in my entire life, there are very few times when he is awake that you will see him without a smile on his face. He has THE best true belly laugh I've ever heard and when he is in full blown belly laugh mode it is impossible not to smile along. He loves all food except Ranch Doritos so far. He still tries to put all his food in his water cup so he has to keep lids on all his drinks. He is our best clean up time kid, he knows where most of the toys go already and never gives us lip...the other 3 could learn from him on that one! He loves to play outside and is a really good peddler with our tricycles.

He is a GREAT sleeper, once we get him down; he talks lots to himself and I sit in the boys room at night reminding him that brother is trying to sleep right above him and once G is snoring I will leave the room and he's almost out by that time to where he will sleep ALL NIGHT LONG!! Huge answer to prayer as most people know sleep is my BFF.

He is doing great with the car and the car seat. He is also into week #2 of potty training and we have only had 1 mess while awake!! He still doesn't come get me to go but if I ask him every hour or so he will shake his head yes or no that he needs to go.

He is starting to understand our everyday routine words like: eat, Theo's seat, drink, snack, nap, potty, upstairs, downstairs, playroom, get dressed, find your shoes...all the good stuff. He has not quite started parroting words as much as I had hoped but you can tell the wheels are turning and his mouth just can't quite make our sounds yet. He has been to the doctor and will go back at the month mark to double check that he is gaining weight and things as she would like and then the dreaded vaccination catch up will begin. He hates the doctor so it will be a rough go every time I have a feeling but his response times at being sad are getting better.

We have lots that we are learning everyday and the other 3 kiddos are really doing pretty good, Colbie has had the hardest time and we have lots of hysterical breakdowns and clinging to mommy. They started out as enemies, became frienemies and I just got a video of them holding hands yesterday dancing..so we are moving in the right direction! Garrett and Lydia just need their time a lone at moments when he forgets about personal space or tries to steal their kindles that he doesn't know how to work yet and messes all up or forgets indoor voice (well he doesn't really have an indoor voice so when he is too loud). We have had to have lots of reminders of how to treat the dog but good news is he is not terrified or allergic...all answer to prayer! We can learn and teach how to keep out of faces and pet nicely, we can also keep Ellie away out tackling reach (yes he tackled our poor 12 1/2 year old pug with a back injury, so she goes to her quiet place most of the day) He has been to 2 birthday parties and met lots of family so far and I know everyone comes away smitten with him.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we move passed new issues and milestones with him everyday. We are learning what our new normal looks like and I have a feeling the new normal will continue to shift and change as the months go along. For now, we are so happy to have him home, to have us all under one roof and just start the process of healing and being a family of 6.

HOME

Feb. 23 - We woke up bright and early to hit up the breakfast buffet one last time and meet our ride to the airport! We were the only people in our group not going back through a China stop and I have to say we ended up loving it that way. I am not a fan of China airports so getting to stop in Japan was a nice change and they had a play area for Theo and we were able to get some food and rest and wait. Lots of waiting. Our flight to Tokyo was almost 4 hours and it was so hard...all of our flights were rough going back I felt like and Theo hated take off and landing, not because of his ears but because he had to sit in his seat with a seat belt on. We basically had to strap him in and hold on for dear life. We had so many flight attendants ask us what was wrong, could I "hug him" and then one lady in Chicago (we have to taxi for half an hour there so I was waiting til the lat minute to strap him in) she got in his face trying to talk to him and when I said he's been with us a week he doesn't speak english she went as far as to tell me that sometime being a mom we have to worry about our kids safety first....I said yes I know I have 3 at home. UGH I was just ready to be home and NEVER fly with kids again. Luckily our big 11 hour flight he slept for about 7 hrs of that and the other times he had food and movies to help pass the time.

I have never been soooo happy as I was to see my family waiting for us at the Indianapolis airport...I left Matt in the dust rolling our suitcase behind him. We were also blessed to have our photographers of almost 10 years there to take pictures as our family was reunited for the first time and I am so thankful I did. Theo is pretty sad and tired in them (I had to wake him up to get off the plane) but it's still our story and it's still the moment that every adoptive mom dreams about.

Pics by Kevin and Alicia Monahan

Guangzhou LAST DAY

Feb. 22 - So after your consulate you have to wait a full day for your paperwork to be processed and your "brown envelope" to be put together. This envelop can ABSOLUTELY NOT BE OPEN to enter the US!!! So we had one day to burn during the wait time before we could leave. Our whole group went to the safari and we didn't go to lunch with the group the day that we had to tell her we wanted to go so we missed out but after some of the nights/days/trips out of the hotel we had with Theo we thought it was probably for the best. So we just hung out near the hotel we walked to this beautiful lake and park close to the hotel and ate at a local restaurant where it cost us $7 for all 3 of us to eat!! We also did A LOT of packing...we had to totally repack everything for the trip back and I might have left a few things behind...RIP white North Face jacket.

Shamian Island, Consulate Appointment and Lantern Festival

Feb. 20- We got to go site see through Shamian Island. I have heard great things about Shamian Island it was one of the places I was really looking forward to seeing while in Guangzhou. Shamian Island was originally where all International Adoption's took place...all the families stayed on the island and it was basically adoption central for Guangzhou. Things have since changed and there are more hotels and things within the city that it isn't needed however, it's still a nice place to walk around and visit. It has tons of statues, these huge gorgeous trees, beautiful french inspired buildings, lots of shops and then of course the riverfront. It reminded me instantly of a southern city similar to Charleston with all the vegetation, brick walkways and beautiful buildings. We even got to see the private school kids walking down the street in their uniforms and walked in on an outdoor phys ed class...all the kids had their matching outfits on and were running laps or doing exercise moves at the instruction of their teacher and a whistle. Lets just say it looked a lot more organized then a US phys ed class. There was also a pretty little Catholic church...so you know we had to stop in!

Theo had a hard time when we had to wait for all of our group to finish shopping, he wanted to rip all of the toys off the shelves and play with them and when I wouldn't let him we had multiple meltdowns. NOT fun but once we moved on to walk by the river he perked up again letting us follow along as he felt he "lead" the group.


Feb. 21 - Consulate Appointment FINALLY!!

We had to wake up early and be ready for our consulate appointment on this morning. So we all actually dressed up a little more than usual and headed down to the bus about 8:30 for our 10 a.m. appointment. We soon learned that the traffic is horrific in the mornings which is why we had to leave so early. Thankful for a guide who recognized that for us and planned accordingly. We were ushered to the security portion but that was as far as our guide could take us so she handed us our folders and sent us on our way.

It's really a very straightforward and boring process, no real reason to dress up, you stand at a window verify your documents (go wait), one parent comes up gets the low down of the process and says an oath (go wait), then it's your families turn for your "interview" basically they want to make sure there were no surprises once you arrived to China and that yes this is the child you are taking home with you...then you are DONE!

We then went back for our normal afternoon of lunch (McDonalds from next door and soup bowls for Theo) and then played on the playground. We then made plans to meet up with our favorite Read family and go walk through the Lantern Festival lights that night.

The Lantern Festival did not disappoint! It is a lot like our Christmas at the zoo but on steroids, the lights and music are really bright and vibrant... the park is huge too so our $3 to get in did not go to waste. Plus Theo just ran through the whole park wearing off a lot of energy!

Guangzhou...Medical Exams and more site seeing

Feb. 18th we all woke up early and headed to the medical center so our kids could have their last medical exams, required before we can have our consulate appointments as their medical reports have to be included in your visa paperwork. It's a pretty sterile, straightforward waiting room, all adoptive families are sent to the back so we have doctors looking at all of our kids and we don't have to wait for the locals that are visiting the clinic on Saturday morning. They basically move us down a line including weight/height, then an ENT, then a general medical exam (Theo hates being stripped down outside of the home or hotel so it was like wrestling a screaming lion to get him through this part), then they had to do a blood workup and TB test (mom and dad aren't allowed in this room, I was sweating by the time he came out because a line had formed of families waiting for this step and he was taking double if not triple the time it was taking everyone else...lots of tears on probably both his and the nurses part).  He checked out for a while only letting me hold him and luckily by the time we got to our ONE Walmart run of the trip he was in better spirits, we bought lunch and then back to the hotel for naps and playtime.

Feb. 19 we got to visit the Chen Family Temple, this is basically a big art museum filled with gardens, walkways, and exhibits that all flow together. This is where we really got to see Theo's personality start to come out again on this part of the trip. He finally let us put him down and he just lead us through the whole place of course turning around to make sure we were still following. We got to walk into a shop that had lots of scrolls (or silks) and prints...we even got to watch one of the artists at work painting a print by hand. I could have bought the whole shop!!

We then went to a wholesale market where we stopped at a pearl shop...I bought my girls pearl earrings for the day that they can appreciate and wear them. After we picked up our lunch and got back to the hotel, I unpacked my backpack and prepared for a shopping outing with Ann. She is the lady who helped us get our care package to Theo while we were waiting to travel for him. She is this crazy little Asian Tornado of a woman...she whips in and out of the subway's and stores, all the store owners know her and she was a lot of fun to hang out with for a couple hours. My friend Kim and I had a nice mom's shopping trip with her and am so glad that we decided to do it! We got to experience more local shopping and transportation at better prices!