How Is It "Really" Going??

A lot of people comment on our Facebook/Instagram posts...oh he looks so happy. They meet him and he wants to hug them and latch on to them like a monkey...oh he's so loving and cuddly. 

Well let me tell you something, Yes he is happy, Yes he is snuggly...BUT you guys there is so much going on underneath all that because this boy has been through some trauma that honestly is not all ours to share some of it I don't even know the extent of. That happy smile on his face comes on like a trigger when I say look at mommy with the camera (it is planned, he knows how to do that, he puts on a show) He wants you to pick him up and snuggle you...he doesn't know you, that's not normal, he is trying to find attention wherever he can get it.

Underneath all that is a boy who is straight up defiant on most days, he understands when I tell him not to do something (let's say "get out of the dogs face or stop kicking the dog or stop feeding the dog") he will look at me shake his head yes that he understands (we also use the help of google translate at times) and I will turn my back and find him doing it again, this can go on forever but 3 times is my limit and most days he meets that 3 time limit and is stuck in "time in" with me wearing a pouty face and not looking me in the eye. 

He talks and talks at bedtime, last night he was yelling to the point I could hear him downstairs, no matter how many times I tell him people are sleeping and he needs to be quiet. One day his brother is gonna walk down from the top bunk and sock him in the mouth. He yells/cries out in the night while asleep, we can't wake him up and get him out of it...he is stuck in some night terror that sounds awful and I can't help him. So we put a roll bar on the bed because he will roll himself right out of it thrashing around and I say a prayer when I go to bed that maybe tonight they won't be as bad. I roll lavender on his feet (you oily people have me hopeful) but so far it just makes their room smell really good still in the morning when I go in to get him up. 

Let me also say and this is where I felt really really bad at first but almost every adoptive mom I have talked with really talked with and asked how they did it has said they feel something similar so I'm saying it right now, in case you are wondering if you can do this too or if you are an adoptive mom who feels like they must be doing this wrong....you are NOT doing this wrong! For these first few weeks it has felt like we had the annoying neighbor kid over to play and he's never going home. If I'm honest, that is how it feels. He is hyperactive EVERY minute of the day it feels like, the other kids do not like him half the time because he is so loud and so wild that he climbs on them, he hits them with toys, he steals their toys, my kids aren't that wild minus the "witching hour" that hour before and after dinner. It is an adjustment, everything I read says Hyperactivity is a coping mechanism in some kids, that being loud is the same. All the toys are new, I'm waiting for them to lose their appeal. We do lots of "time in" where he comes to sit with me while I fold laundry or cook or whatever I'm doing. He doesn't get left alone he just has to sit with me until he calms down and we can try again.

We've hit almost 7 weeks with us, over a month now at home...we have school next year on the horizon we have summer time and a slow summer at that with no extended vacations planned. We have FOREVER to work all this out, for him to start feeling more comfortable, for him to reach the point that he is with us longer than he was with any of his old caregivers and maybe then he will believe that he is not going anywhere and begin to heal. There is a lot of healing that needs to happen, and for now I try to bond and attach while creating boundaries and teaching him how we treat people in this house...it's a fine line y'all. It's one that I miss most days, I fail and get mad at myself and him but God has already seen this whole journey worked out, he knows how this all pans out, he has a plan for my life and most importantly for Theo's life as our son and brother. We are here to stay, he will learn that eventually and until then we let God do the work and I just muddle my way through every day. 

Now What?

So now that we are home with Theo....what is next? Well we are trying to keep our heads above water, this is so foreign to us bringing in a kid that is already a toddler, already has likes/dislikes/feelings and not to mention the trauma and baggage that comes with the life he started out with.

We are doing our best to bond with him...let me also say this goes both ways. A lot of our training focused on how to get him to bond with us but it doesn't touch so much on how I should bond with him, I have had 3 children by giving birth to them. I carried them for 10 months it's impossible for me on all levels to not love them with my whole being. Theo on the other hand, he is just as much a part of our family now but not on that chemical/physical level that the others are. It's HARD to be quite frank about it. There are times I feel like a referee or a babysitter. There are times I have to make myself just pick him up and hold him because that is when I feel most like his mom. I brush his teeth although he can do it on his own, I help him get dressed even though he can do most of it on his own (and he will when we are rushed to get out the door), I wash his hair, do lotion before bedtime, hold his hand while saying prayer and kiss his cheeks before he goes to sleep...all the things that I have done with my kiddos since they were born. I am doing it with him too, he missed out on some of that although he was in and out of many homes who probably held and rocked him. This mama did not get to do that. So we start over.

He knows no strangers at this point and that is something we are working on so please do not be offended if you are not immediate family and we ask you not to pick him up. We are learning that mommy is here to hold you if you need it and is the main caregiver/comforter/protector. He will give you high fives and fist bumps and that is GREAT!!

So what we know of Theo so far is that he might possibly be the happiest kid I've ever met in my entire life, there are very few times when he is awake that you will see him without a smile on his face. He has THE best true belly laugh I've ever heard and when he is in full blown belly laugh mode it is impossible not to smile along. He loves all food except Ranch Doritos so far. He still tries to put all his food in his water cup so he has to keep lids on all his drinks. He is our best clean up time kid, he knows where most of the toys go already and never gives us lip...the other 3 could learn from him on that one! He loves to play outside and is a really good peddler with our tricycles.

He is a GREAT sleeper, once we get him down; he talks lots to himself and I sit in the boys room at night reminding him that brother is trying to sleep right above him and once G is snoring I will leave the room and he's almost out by that time to where he will sleep ALL NIGHT LONG!! Huge answer to prayer as most people know sleep is my BFF.

He is doing great with the car and the car seat. He is also into week #2 of potty training and we have only had 1 mess while awake!! He still doesn't come get me to go but if I ask him every hour or so he will shake his head yes or no that he needs to go.

He is starting to understand our everyday routine words like: eat, Theo's seat, drink, snack, nap, potty, upstairs, downstairs, playroom, get dressed, find your shoes...all the good stuff. He has not quite started parroting words as much as I had hoped but you can tell the wheels are turning and his mouth just can't quite make our sounds yet. He has been to the doctor and will go back at the month mark to double check that he is gaining weight and things as she would like and then the dreaded vaccination catch up will begin. He hates the doctor so it will be a rough go every time I have a feeling but his response times at being sad are getting better.

We have lots that we are learning everyday and the other 3 kiddos are really doing pretty good, Colbie has had the hardest time and we have lots of hysterical breakdowns and clinging to mommy. They started out as enemies, became frienemies and I just got a video of them holding hands yesterday dancing..so we are moving in the right direction! Garrett and Lydia just need their time a lone at moments when he forgets about personal space or tries to steal their kindles that he doesn't know how to work yet and messes all up or forgets indoor voice (well he doesn't really have an indoor voice so when he is too loud). We have had to have lots of reminders of how to treat the dog but good news is he is not terrified or allergic...all answer to prayer! We can learn and teach how to keep out of faces and pet nicely, we can also keep Ellie away out tackling reach (yes he tackled our poor 12 1/2 year old pug with a back injury, so she goes to her quiet place most of the day) He has been to 2 birthday parties and met lots of family so far and I know everyone comes away smitten with him.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we move passed new issues and milestones with him everyday. We are learning what our new normal looks like and I have a feeling the new normal will continue to shift and change as the months go along. For now, we are so happy to have him home, to have us all under one roof and just start the process of healing and being a family of 6.

HOME

Feb. 23 - We woke up bright and early to hit up the breakfast buffet one last time and meet our ride to the airport! We were the only people in our group not going back through a China stop and I have to say we ended up loving it that way. I am not a fan of China airports so getting to stop in Japan was a nice change and they had a play area for Theo and we were able to get some food and rest and wait. Lots of waiting. Our flight to Tokyo was almost 4 hours and it was so hard...all of our flights were rough going back I felt like and Theo hated take off and landing, not because of his ears but because he had to sit in his seat with a seat belt on. We basically had to strap him in and hold on for dear life. We had so many flight attendants ask us what was wrong, could I "hug him" and then one lady in Chicago (we have to taxi for half an hour there so I was waiting til the lat minute to strap him in) she got in his face trying to talk to him and when I said he's been with us a week he doesn't speak english she went as far as to tell me that sometime being a mom we have to worry about our kids safety first....I said yes I know I have 3 at home. UGH I was just ready to be home and NEVER fly with kids again. Luckily our big 11 hour flight he slept for about 7 hrs of that and the other times he had food and movies to help pass the time.

I have never been soooo happy as I was to see my family waiting for us at the Indianapolis airport...I left Matt in the dust rolling our suitcase behind him. We were also blessed to have our photographers of almost 10 years there to take pictures as our family was reunited for the first time and I am so thankful I did. Theo is pretty sad and tired in them (I had to wake him up to get off the plane) but it's still our story and it's still the moment that every adoptive mom dreams about.

Pics by Kevin and Alicia Monahan

Guangzhou LAST DAY

Feb. 22 - So after your consulate you have to wait a full day for your paperwork to be processed and your "brown envelope" to be put together. This envelop can ABSOLUTELY NOT BE OPEN to enter the US!!! So we had one day to burn during the wait time before we could leave. Our whole group went to the safari and we didn't go to lunch with the group the day that we had to tell her we wanted to go so we missed out but after some of the nights/days/trips out of the hotel we had with Theo we thought it was probably for the best. So we just hung out near the hotel we walked to this beautiful lake and park close to the hotel and ate at a local restaurant where it cost us $7 for all 3 of us to eat!! We also did A LOT of packing...we had to totally repack everything for the trip back and I might have left a few things behind...RIP white North Face jacket.

Shamian Island, Consulate Appointment and Lantern Festival

Feb. 20- We got to go site see through Shamian Island. I have heard great things about Shamian Island it was one of the places I was really looking forward to seeing while in Guangzhou. Shamian Island was originally where all International Adoption's took place...all the families stayed on the island and it was basically adoption central for Guangzhou. Things have since changed and there are more hotels and things within the city that it isn't needed however, it's still a nice place to walk around and visit. It has tons of statues, these huge gorgeous trees, beautiful french inspired buildings, lots of shops and then of course the riverfront. It reminded me instantly of a southern city similar to Charleston with all the vegetation, brick walkways and beautiful buildings. We even got to see the private school kids walking down the street in their uniforms and walked in on an outdoor phys ed class...all the kids had their matching outfits on and were running laps or doing exercise moves at the instruction of their teacher and a whistle. Lets just say it looked a lot more organized then a US phys ed class. There was also a pretty little Catholic church...so you know we had to stop in!

Theo had a hard time when we had to wait for all of our group to finish shopping, he wanted to rip all of the toys off the shelves and play with them and when I wouldn't let him we had multiple meltdowns. NOT fun but once we moved on to walk by the river he perked up again letting us follow along as he felt he "lead" the group.


Feb. 21 - Consulate Appointment FINALLY!!

We had to wake up early and be ready for our consulate appointment on this morning. So we all actually dressed up a little more than usual and headed down to the bus about 8:30 for our 10 a.m. appointment. We soon learned that the traffic is horrific in the mornings which is why we had to leave so early. Thankful for a guide who recognized that for us and planned accordingly. We were ushered to the security portion but that was as far as our guide could take us so she handed us our folders and sent us on our way.

It's really a very straightforward and boring process, no real reason to dress up, you stand at a window verify your documents (go wait), one parent comes up gets the low down of the process and says an oath (go wait), then it's your families turn for your "interview" basically they want to make sure there were no surprises once you arrived to China and that yes this is the child you are taking home with you...then you are DONE!

We then went back for our normal afternoon of lunch (McDonalds from next door and soup bowls for Theo) and then played on the playground. We then made plans to meet up with our favorite Read family and go walk through the Lantern Festival lights that night.

The Lantern Festival did not disappoint! It is a lot like our Christmas at the zoo but on steroids, the lights and music are really bright and vibrant... the park is huge too so our $3 to get in did not go to waste. Plus Theo just ran through the whole park wearing off a lot of energy!

Guangzhou...Medical Exams and more site seeing

Feb. 18th we all woke up early and headed to the medical center so our kids could have their last medical exams, required before we can have our consulate appointments as their medical reports have to be included in your visa paperwork. It's a pretty sterile, straightforward waiting room, all adoptive families are sent to the back so we have doctors looking at all of our kids and we don't have to wait for the locals that are visiting the clinic on Saturday morning. They basically move us down a line including weight/height, then an ENT, then a general medical exam (Theo hates being stripped down outside of the home or hotel so it was like wrestling a screaming lion to get him through this part), then they had to do a blood workup and TB test (mom and dad aren't allowed in this room, I was sweating by the time he came out because a line had formed of families waiting for this step and he was taking double if not triple the time it was taking everyone else...lots of tears on probably both his and the nurses part).  He checked out for a while only letting me hold him and luckily by the time we got to our ONE Walmart run of the trip he was in better spirits, we bought lunch and then back to the hotel for naps and playtime.

Feb. 19 we got to visit the Chen Family Temple, this is basically a big art museum filled with gardens, walkways, and exhibits that all flow together. This is where we really got to see Theo's personality start to come out again on this part of the trip. He finally let us put him down and he just lead us through the whole place of course turning around to make sure we were still following. We got to walk into a shop that had lots of scrolls (or silks) and prints...we even got to watch one of the artists at work painting a print by hand. I could have bought the whole shop!!

We then went to a wholesale market where we stopped at a pearl shop...I bought my girls pearl earrings for the day that they can appreciate and wear them. After we picked up our lunch and got back to the hotel, I unpacked my backpack and prepared for a shopping outing with Ann. She is the lady who helped us get our care package to Theo while we were waiting to travel for him. She is this crazy little Asian Tornado of a woman...she whips in and out of the subway's and stores, all the store owners know her and she was a lot of fun to hang out with for a couple hours. My friend Kim and I had a nice mom's shopping trip with her and am so glad that we decided to do it! We got to experience more local shopping and transportation at better prices!

Guiyang

Feb. 15-17

So after we were official we still had to WAIT...they had to take all our paperwork to the notary office and apply for his passport. So we had 2 days of time to burn in Guiyang. We were feeling pretty defeated when it came to this city but glad Jackie offered to take us out for the day.

So Feb. 15, we went to "Monkey Mountain" it is a beautiful national park feel with mountains and a lake. There is a lot of room for all the retired community to do their "exercises", square dancing, and we saw one grandpa teaching his family martial arts. In China a lot of the grandparents take the kids for the day while the parents work. So they take them to the park with them for the morning, will then stop at the market to buy things for dinner and will prepare the family meal for the evening.

There were monkeys EVERYWHERE and these monkeys are a lot like the squirrels on a college campus, not afraid of humans, will steal food/water bottles/trash out of your bags. We saw a monkey actually drinking out of a bottle and our guide said he has even heard of the monkeys smoking discarded cigarettes.

We also got to visit a budhist temple and learn about the different ways of entry into the temple, the different gods they would pray to, this temple was very popular with the younger crowd. The men would come praying for wives and the couples would come praying for fertility.

After that we went to Ancient Town Guiyang. It looks almost like the great wall from afar but it contained the Ancient Town of Guiyang, the walls were used to guard them from the minority groups/tribes in the area. There are really cool winding paths of vendors and shops. They would sell, food, spices, toys, clothes, bags. There was even a Christian Church there. Here we ate at a local noodle restaurant and I got to change Theo in my first squatty potty bathroom without falling in!

Feb. 16th

We had a travel day coming up so we stayed close to the hotel. Slept in (well Theo did), ate breakfast at the hotel, packed up our bags, colored, watched movies and when they needed to clean our room we went out to explore the park across the street a little bit and stopped in some shops. Theo was having a sad day, I think he knew things were really changing as we packed up the room and prepared to leave. His crying episodes were devastating to listen to they were long and low and just filled with such sadness. He would lay on the floor and we would let him, we wouldn't try and force him to us but eventually if we sat close when he was ready he would come to us for comfort. It was our first real peak into parenting this little boy through all his trauma of the first 3 1/2 years of his life.

Fe. 17th

We had the morning to burn so we took out after breakfast before the streets and parks get too crowded so we could go see where Theo had been found at only 10 days old. He was found at the gates of Hebin Park which was not too far from our hotel. It is a big park with amusement type rides and lots of gardens and a restaurant. We didn't even see all of it in the time we had. We felt that we needed to go and tell Theo when he's older that we did, that we did all we could to bring his history home with us. He will have questions some day and I won't be able to answer all of them but I can give him this. That he was carried safely in his carrier by a daddy who loves him in the exact same spot that he was left as a baby, an orphan.

later in the afternoon...

HERE WE COME GUANGZHOU!!!

First flight with a kiddo and we have 3 at home so this was really hard on us and super stressful for me. He screamed at take off because he hated the seat  belt and having to stay in his seat. We probably would have been fine but they made us wait for potential connectors and we sat for almost half an hour longer then necessary. Once in the air he was fine with some Curious George and snacks.

We were so happy to be on to the next step of this journey and one step closer to home! Not to mention our friends the Reads from our group in Beijing would be back with us...Matt and I felt like we were the unofficial 7th and 8th members of their family.

Official Adoption Day

Feb. 14th, 2017

The day after Gotcha Day, we had to head back to the Civil Affairs Office, finish out the paperwork we had started the day before and pay our big donation that we had to bring with us. We also met the director of the orphanage that Theo was technically with, even though he was in a foster home that is only made possible because there are volunteers to take the pressure off the over crowded orphanage.

We were there for a while, Matt took care of most of the paperwork and the payment and I just kept Theo busy and out of everyone's hair.

We received our official Adoption Certificate with our picture on it and his NEW name. Jiang Qing Jie officially became Theo Qingjie Heinekamp on February 14, 2017! We still had quite the road ahead in our 1 1/2 weeks left in China, lots of paperwork to be processed so lots of waiting but in the eyes of China, his first home, he was ours.

We left...after waiting half an hour for an elevator...they plan these huge high rise buildings without taking a lot of matters into consideration...like a mom holding a 3 year old for half an hour waiting for an elevator to get back down to our car!

After rest and lunch we decided to try another attempt at finding the Walmart, we found out from Jackie the reason we never found it was it was underground. OOPS...so I got out the carrier we had borrowed and strapped him in. He refused to walk outside of our hotel room and my arms were feeling it already from holding him everywhere. So we started out with our backpack mostly empty so we could carry stuff back. Their Walmart looks a lot like ours but with a butcher counter and meat hanging up and BIG fish tanks. We picked up water, some noodle bowls, snacks, and new tennis shoes for Theo. He slept in the carrier the whole time we shopped. He started waking up once we were checking out and that was not pretty, he didn't know where he was and he started pushing and clawing his way out of the carrier so I had to hurry out of the store get him out of the carrier so he could fully wake up and remember where he was. Then I put him down outside while I readjusted for the walk back and got super yelled at by an older Chinese woman because as I was putting him back in my carrier his pants were pulled up and he didn't have the approved layers of clothing on, even though I was carrying him so I was sweating and had my coat and his 3 shirts on :( Oy I was so mad, if you touch another person's kid in America it can get you a punch to the face but luckily we had Hong (the teenage girl pictured above) and she was able to talk to the lady while I got him snug and ready to keep walking...quickly...back to the hotel. Oh yeah, did I mention we got lost on the way back to the hotel underground in the street crossing tunnels ... with all of our stuff. Always an adventure!

(I totally should have worked out before this trip!!)

GOTCHA DAY

Feb. 13, 2017 - Thankfully, I'm pretty sure it had to do with all of our prayer warriors here at home but I slept the best I had since arriving to China on the night before Gotcha Day...that is only a God thing!

Our Gotcha Day was not scheduled until later on in the afternoon so we had a lot of time to burn...we walked around going the other way out of our hotel and that was so much more encouraging, we found some drug stores, some restaurants and a nice park. We paced holes in our hotel room floor and finally headed to the civil affairs office at 2 p.m. that afternoon. There was only one other couple with us and they were adopting a 13 year old. So we were hopeful it would be a calm setting as I've heard some can be overwhelming with lots of tears and mayhem.

 We got to drive to another part of Guiyang on our way and it was insane all the high rise buildings going up...all the little chantey houses being torn down to make room for them. Our guide had mixed feelings on all of this, he prefers the smaller buildings the more quiet setting for his family, he would like Indiana I think!

We went up to the 24th floor and waited!

Waiting

We hadn't been there that long and sure enough here he comes, walking in...not being carried but walking all on his own, big puffy coat and an uncertain look on his face. Not quite scared but a little unsure. He walked to stand beside me and he let me hold his hand. I didn't pick him up right away or scoop him away from his foster mom but just rubbed his back held his hand and then pulled out the big guns...suckers and my smart phone! Selfies are the way to any kiddos heart I am telling you. We soon had him laughing, making faces, eating snacks and sitting on my lap. I had the chance to talk to his foster mom just a little bit. They explained to me all the layers and his favorite foods. They explained he had had a "hair lip" corrected which we already knew and we believe she had only been his foster mom since right before we learned of him.

fingerprinting

We had to sign lots of papers, fingerprint all of our signatures, even Theo had to fingerprint some pages! While we were doing that his foster mom snuck out, he was none the wiser that she had left...we had no tears and he was ours! He let me carry him out of that office, sat on my lap in the van and that is that!

He loved the hotel I'm pretty sure he thought he was on vacation. He jumped on the bed and watched cartoons. He was a little unsure and we saw our first sadness when we tried to change his clothes but he felt the fuzzy goodness of his new jammies and cheered right up and believe it or not he slept that night!!

So grateful for such a positive and easy Gotcha Day!!